Praying through relational conflict
Each Tuesday, we release a prayer guide with the hope that we collectively join our hearts through prayer in a “laser-focused” way. Today, as the Underground, we come together around the theme of relationships.
This prayer guide is offered as a framework to help us slow down and spend more time praying about a particular relationship where we are “stretched,” “experiencing conflict,” or don’t see the fullness of the Kingdom flourishing. We can pay attention to our emotions that emerge, align our hearts more with the heart of the Father, and allow that to lead to a conversation with God that might enrich our prayer time.
We know prayer is important in these relationships, but our prayers can sometimes feel reduced to, “Lord, help us.” “Jesus, fix it.” “Father, will you lead, guide, and direct us?” There’s nothing inherently wrong with these prayers. It can, however, feel like we are praying for the same solution in every situation.
Let’s do a little context work first.
Read Psalm 22:25–31
I will praise you in the great assembly.
I will fulfill my vows in the presence of those who worship you.
The poor will eat and be satisfied.
All who seek the LORD will praise him.
Their hearts will rejoice with everlasting joy.
The whole earth will acknowledge the LORD and return to him.
All the families of the nations will bow down before him.
For royal power belongs to the LORD. He rules all the nations.
Let the rich of the earth feast and worship.
Bow before him, all who are mortal, all whose lives will end as dust.
Our children will also serve him. Future generations will hear about the wonders of the Lord.
His righteous acts will be told to those not yet born.
They will hear about everything he has done.
Consider
What does your heart feel when you read this? Hopefully, you experience a bit of joy emerging. David is so good at helping us worship. I will praise you, he says. The poor will eat! Our hearts will rejoice with everlasting joy! Future generations will hear about the wonders of the Lord. Everyone will hear!
But we’re halfway through this Psalm when we start reading. David is actually facing some relational issues. We know this because he says in verse 16, “My enemies surround me like a pack of dogs, an evil gang closes in on me.” How can David say all that he’s said in verses 25 – 31 in light of what he’s facing?
Do you know how David starts this Psalm?
Read Psalm 22:1–2
My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
Why are you so far away when I groan for help?
Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night I lift my voice, but I find no relief.
Consider
David begins his Psalm with an awareness of what his heart really feels. He’s often doing this through the Psalms. If you keep reading in Psalm 22 you’ll see a pendulum swing from David confessing his emotion of loneliness, shame, or fear, to declaring some truth about God’s character. He’s admitting his feelings and aligning his heart to God’s character and truths about God. As he comes more and more in line with the truth about God and a reminder of his identity, he is able to end the Psalm in praise.
Again, we can see this rhythm throughout his other writings as well. It’s from this inward-looking, honestly showing up, and “temperature-checking,” that David is able to consider who God is and how God might enter his situation.
Consider
Take a moment and think of a relationship in which you are facing tension or a challenge and you’re not sure what to do next. Take a moment to write down the details that you think led to this.
Step 1: Write down what you feel. Maybe you feel fear about the situation. Perhaps you feel shame emerging because of how you handled something previously. Take a moment to be silent and write down your emotional response.
Pray into these emotions and tell your loving Father exactly what you feel. Remember you have a model in David. He was very honest in his confession that he felt God had forsaken him. If it’s helpful, write everything out.
Step 2: Write down some truths you know about God that would align your heart to his. If your emotion is fear, consider, “Is Jesus afraid?” Why is he not afraid? Ephesians tells me that God has placed all things under the authority of Christ and made him the head over all things for the benefit of the church. He is over all things. He is in control. Consider that when God speaks, an entire universe comes into existence. I have never done that. Romans 11 tells me that from him, through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever. This is who he is, so I don’t have to remain in fear. I can seek his wisdom and help. He wants to give it that gift to me.
If I feel ashamed, I remember that I need God’s help and I can thank him that he’s an ever present help in times of trouble. I can remember that the very people that carried the greatest shame, the prostitutes, the lepers, the tax-collectors, these were the people that Jesus seemed most drawn to in life. Surely if he was there for them, he will be present with me. This is who he is and I can thank him that he wants to be with me.
Pray into these truths and ask the Father to remind you of all the ways he has shown up in your journey. If it’s helpful, write these things down where you left off confessing those emotions above.
These are just two examples, but you could go on with each feeling you’ve considered, becoming aware of it and praying into God’s character in response.
Step 3: Consider the other person. Another angle for our prayer is the other person. They too are bringing their own feelings into the situation. Consider words they have said or actions they have taken. What feelings might they be feeling? How might I be able to bless them in these emotions? Take some time to write that down.
Pray. Perhaps you might pray something like, “It seems ‘x’ is feeling anxious or afraid each time we meet. I bless them with peace. If there is anything in my own heart preventing me from loving them well in this interaction, I repent and ask you Jesus to grow my love and affection for them. Or, “It seems ‘x’ is always looking down when we’re together. They never make eye contact. If they feel any sense of shame when they are with me, Jesus remind them of your great love for them. Help me to see them the same way you do. Help me create an atmosphere where they feel seen and valued.
Again, these are just two examples, but you can go further with each feeling you’ve considered the other person might feel.
When we slow down to consider what we are feeling the way David did, we can pray in a new way of relational discord. In light of what God feels about me and my identity in him, I can approach any relationship more aligned with his character. Rather than going into a conversation to justify myself, I can go in and long for the best for this person the way I know Jesus wants for me.