Engaging Emotions in Raising Disciples
Feelings matter in disciple-making.
If there’s one thing we in the western church have missed in our disciple-making efforts, it’s the heart. That’s a bold statement. You’re probably thinking, “That’s all we’ve thought about! Don’t we want Jesus to come in and change your heart?”
Sure, we do care about heart transformation. But, we’ve been hoping for this outcome by primarily addressing the brain. We quote the Bible, ask people to read and memorize passages of Scripture, and we want people to “think” about how they will apply a passage of Scripture. I’m not devaluing any of this. It’s all important.
It’s time we made an equal amount of room for our hearts to participate in the conversation and consider “feelings” as we make disciples…especially when it comes to engaging our children. More on that in a moment.
The Eight Core Emotions
In his book, The Voice of the Heart, Chip Dodd says that we have eight core emotions:
Fear
Lonely
Hurt
Sad
Anger
Shame
Guilt
Glad
Chip would tell you that these eight core emotions are God-given tools. When we learn how to feel them, they help us live fully from the heart God gave us.
Many people think, “Why are almost all of them negative?” If you dive into the book, Chip will explain that none of the emotions are negative. They just “are” emotions. Each one is available to help you identify a need. When we can effectively communicate our needs, we can receive what our hearts desire.
Feelings in Everyday Life
Here's a quick example. Perhaps my family is facing a big financial decision. If we don’t make the right decision, it could ruin us. Unfortunately, we’ve often been told too often, “Don’t be afraid.” We try to ignore our feelings.
It’s appropriate to feel fear in this situation, however. We need something. Specifically, we need help to make the right decision. If we communicate our neediness to someone who is wise and can help us make the right decision, we’ll receive the wisdom to move forward.
This is hard work for adults. Many of us have heard for so long that we should “calm down,” “get over it,” or “just forget about it” that we’ve learned to shut our feelings off and ignore that we were created with needs. You were designed this way.
Our kids haven’t completely lost this ability, although many are on their way to forgetting how to feel when we use phrases like those listed above. Our children are usually way more in tune with their feelings, and they’ll let you know quickly when they’re feeling fear, sadness, or anger.
Fostering Emotional Expression in Families
It’s healthy to foster a family environment where our children can express their emotions and where we can express ours. When our kids say, “I feel…” and we don’t try to shut down their feelings, we can say back to them, “I feel...." In this exchange, we communicate, “I’m vulnerable, and I need you.” This is where healthy attachments form, and a conversation can emerge, leading to actual transformation.
A Real-Life Scenario
Let me tell you how this has played out in our family. We’re working on moving from pointing fingers and raising voices to starting hard conversations with, “What are you feeling right now?” It’s profoundly impacted how we point our kids toward Jesus. I’m not saying we’ve got this nailed down or that it works perfectly every time. I’m just telling you that in the past, raised voices and trying to force change didn’t yield the depth of openness in our conversation that we’ve seen when we follow the pattern I will share below when dealing with a difficult situation.
I love my kid, so I will make up a scenario to share what I mean. The truth is, this scenario is probably going to happen.
Example:
I have to talk to my 12-year-old about how it looks like some movies were watched on our Netflix account that neither my wife nor I watched. The account is password-protected, so we’re curious about what’s happening. He denies it. We go back and forth. I’m sensing some anxiety, and so I keep pushing. Let’s be honest, I was twelve once, and I already knew he was lying. Finally, the truth comes out, and he says he figured out the password and watched some things he knew he shouldn’t have.
Now, I could yell, “That’s it. No TV ever again. In fact, you’re not leaving your room ever again. I have to protect you from all the evil in the world! But you lied to me. How dare you lie to me. Stop lying all the time.”
This isn’t getting us anywhere. I’m not actually showing up with my son. He’s definitely not showing up with me because now he’s more afraid than before he was caught.
A Different Approach
Here’s what we’ve been working on.
We usually try to acknowledge the situation with a comment like, “Hey, it looks like we need to have a conversation about this. Why don’t we head out to the back deck for a little bit?” Just changing the physical space and the walk to get there can help us prepare to show up with each other. I make it a practice to sit at the same level or lower than him. More on this in a minute.
I ask, “What do you feel?” We’ve read How Are You Feeling Today, by Chip Dodd, to our kids several times. He knows the eight feelings, and he has a foundation from which to share. Sometimes, to help give a visual aid and reminder, I pull out a sheet with these words on it so that he can focus on something if it’s helpful.
Usually, the first emotion he’ll share is fear. This is super helpful to hear as a parent because it slows me down even more. It helps me remember, “Don’t be big. Be present. You love him more than anything.” None of us want our kids to be afraid of us. When they look at you, you seem big to them. When they know, “I’m in trouble,” you’re even bigger. This is why I try to sit at the same level or lower than them.
He’s usually willing to acknowledge guilt and shame as well. I try not to rush him through this process. I try to make open space and ask if there is anything else he’d like to share, and I thank him for sharing.
Then, I share what I’m feeling. I want to model for him what I’m hoping he’ll learn to do with me, so I’m trying to be as honest as possible with simple phrases like:
I feel hurt that you lied to me.
I feel sad that you disobeyed.
I feel afraid that you’re going to try to do this again.
I’m glad we’ve learned to be together in tough conversations.
The next question to ask is, “What do you need?” This one is a little more difficult for him to answer, but it’s important to work through it. This is where I start jumping in to help, but I never force an answer.
“Hey bud, you mentioned you felt fear. Do you need protection from something or someone?” (This can get a smile because he’s thinking, “I need protection from whatever consequences you’re handing down.”)
“Hey bud, you said you felt guilt. Do you think you might need forgiveness?”
“Hey bud, you said you felt shame. Do you think you might need to be reminded that I love you, and nothing you do will ever change that?”
These phrases have taken me a long time to arrive at, and I usually have to do some prep work when I’m not right in the middle of a potentially anxious moment. I’m not as quick on my feet as I’d like to be. I’ll probably use the ones I’ve written above in the future. These phrases also help me move into step 4.
This is where we ask the question, “What is Good News?”
Notice that we haven’t even dealt with the “problem” that got us into the conversation. Before we do that, we just needed to show up with each other. Now, we can address how we got here and how Jesus can step in.
The question might not always be framed first with “What’s the good news?” Essentially, we want to get to a place where we can say, “There’s a reason we have boundaries as a family about what we watch. You know Jesus says that what we look at matters. He said our eyes are the lamp of our body. When our eyes are healthy, our whole body is full of light. But when our eyes are unhealthy, our body is full of darkness. When we choose to watch what is not healthy for us, it turns our hearts away from living out the fruit of the Spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. My guess is that you haven’t felt great about your decision to break the password and watch what you did.
“The good news is that Jesus knew we won’t always make the best decisions. But He’s full of grace and mercy. I said nothing you do will change how much I love you. The same is true of Jesus.”
So, let’s ask one more question.
How can we go forward, or how can we heal?
At this point, I’ve realized that my past reactions to give heavy consequences were often outsized. I’m not saying consequences are not helpful or that you should never give them. I’m saying that I’m learning it’s helpful to work with my child in deciding how to move forward. I think, deep down, he genuinely wants to honor Jesus with his life. If I treat him with the belief that we can come up with a plan together, it’s worth it! It’s also teaching him in his own life, “When (not if) I make a poor decision again, I can appropriately repent, receive grace, and grow.”
So we talk through things like:
Can I hug you? (Reconnecting is priority number one to me.)
What other boundaries can we put in place that would be helpful for you?
Is there more I can explain about why we have these boundaries and how they help us live a life that honors Jesus?
When can we talk more about this later with your mom?
Three things stand out:
You might be thinking, “There’s no way this would work with my kid.” I’d just encourage you to try it. You might be surprised. But I’d try it more than once. It’s taken a while to land on this, and we still don’t do it perfectly. Just keep inviting their heart into the conversation.
I gave you an example with a 12-year-old. If your kid is 6 or 16, you’re going to have a different conversation. You’re going to have to soften some things up, or you might be able to go more in-depth. Just keep inviting their heart into the conversation.
You don’t have to wait until your kids have “made a mistake” to have this kind of conversation. You can regularly say, “How are you feeling? What do you need? What’s good news in this situation?”
It might not require the last question of “How can we heal?” But you might ask another question like, “How can I support you?” or “How can I pray for you as you deal with that situation?” Just keep inviting their heart into the conversation.
Routinely checking in on emotions in the everyday stuff of life will help you navigate the more “intense” moments with greater ease.
