Healthy Conflict Process

SUMMARY OF THE ASSESSMENT PROCESS

1. Documentation of the accusations: Grievance Intake Form will be utilized to document grievances. These will be evaluated by 2-3 members of the Healthy Conflict Resolution Point Team for validity and credibility. Verify as much as possible the facts. Protect the reputation of the accused elder during this process.

2. Assessment: Determine if there is a concerning pattern of behavior that is unseen and unaddressed. Determine the severity of the issue and its consequences. If this is predatory and abusive behavior, steps will be taken to protect the community from additional harm. In some cases, the issue falls below that level; in that case, we can proceed with the first warning. Two other elders will go to offer the warning.

3. If valid, address this directly with the person: Everyone is invited to review this document and commit together to the principles outlined above. The two elders will present their concerns and the vetted information, allowing the accused elder to respond. They will listen carefully and discern.

4. Identify clear next steps, establish support and accountability: Agree to a season of time to allow for the work of repentance.

5. Wait for the fruit of repentance. Remain relationally connected: If no clear demonstration of repentance is apparent, and the issue continues, proceed to a second warning.

6. Second warning: Assessment of why no new fruit of repentance has been demonstrated. Reassess next steps, establish support and accountability. Agree to a season of time to allow for the work of repentance. Clarify that this is the second warning. If no clear demonstration of repentance is apparent, and the issue continues, proceed to the next step.

7. Pruning from community. If the person was a leader: Assess how to best support the network of disciple-makers and microchurches under their leadership. Develop a clear plan and communicate to the Collective what is happening and why, along with steps to grieve the loss and move forward. First, prioritize the protection, flourishing, and healing of those who have been wounded. Secondly, seek the flourishing and healing of the leader to the extent they allow within the KC Underground community, with a focus on their restoration if possible. However, we also recognize that in some cases, it may be wise to remove restoration as the “end game,” so that the primary motive for moving forward is genuine repentance and transformation, not merely regaining a position as a leader.

ADDENDUM: TRAUMA SENSITIVE RECONCILIATION AND CONSIDERATIONS

To guide the KC Underground in helping victims of spiritual abuse walk through their trauma and reconcile with those they’ve hurt because of it, a combination of biblical principles and trauma-sensitive practices can create a supportive framework. Here’s a step-by-step guide, incorporating spiritual and relational tools, as well as healthy boundaries:

1. Commit to Healing and Reconciliation as a Community
   
   Scripture Focus: Ephesians 4:1-6 calls for humility, gentleness, patience, and love to maintain the unity of the Spirit. This passage encourages both individuals and the church to engage in the healing process with grace, patience, and intentionality.
   Practice:

   • Gentle Protectors: Embrace the idea of becoming “gentle protectors,” creating an environment of shalom, where emotional regulation, compassion, and relational integrity guide the healing and reconciliation process.

     Third-Party Mediation: Begin with mediated sessions to ensure emotional safety, providing a non-anxious presence where both parties feel heard and protected.
     

2. Create a Safe Space for Healing

   Scripture Focus: Matthew 18:15-17 emphasizes addressing conflict directly and respectfully, while Titus 3:1-7 reminds us to avoid quarrels and show courtesy to everyone.

   Practice:

• Establish Healthy Boundaries: Encourage both parties to engage first in individual healing through counseling or spiritual direction before attempting reconciliation. Set clear limits on personal interaction, perhaps through a no contact period for reflection and healing.

• Mediated Communication Only: Limit face-to-face meetings until emotional healing has progressed. Use indirect communication, like written letters or mediated sessions, where a neutral party can moderate.
  

3. Address Trauma Before Reconciliation

   Scripture Focus: Ephesians 4:29 encourages using words to build up and avoid unwholesome talk. This is essential in trauma recovery, as victims may struggle with trust.

   Practice:

• Individual Trauma Work: Encourage trauma recovery therapy for both parties, allowing them to process their abuse before working on their relational conflict. Victims of spiritual abuse need space to rebuild trust, especially after manipulation or misuse of authority.

• Clear Emotional Boundaries: Implement time limits on discussions, safe words, and mediator-enforced ground rules during reconciliation efforts to prevent triggering and ensure the conversation remains constructive.

4. Encourage Spouses to Participate on Their Own Terms Scripture Focus: Just as Jesus extended compassion to tax collectors (Matthew 18:17), extend flexibility and grace to spouses who may not be ready to engage.

   Practice:

   • Respect Spousal Boundaries: If spouses are wary of face-to-face meetings, allow them to participate at a distance, providing emotional support without forcing them into uncomfortable interactions. Separate meetings for couples can also allow for honest dialogue without pressure.

5. Maintain Relational Boundaries to Avoid Harm Scripture Focus: Matthew 18 provides a structured approach to conflict resolution. Keeping interactions private and respectful helps avoid public escalation.

   Practice:

• Private Conversations Only: Keep all reconciliation discussions in private, mediated settings, avoiding public forums or group mediation that could further harm or expose vulnerable parties.

• No Gossip Policy: Both individuals and their spouses must agree to refrain from gossiping about the conflict to others, avoiding escalating tensions. This includes careful use of social media and involving only those who are directly part of the resolution process.

6. Set Realistic Expectations for Reconciliation Scripture Focus: Titus 3:1-7 stresses the importance of avoiding quarrels and being gentle. Realistic expectations allow for progress without forcing premature reconciliation.

   Practice:

• Clarify Purpose and Boundaries: Ensure both parties understand that reconciliation is a process, and that full relational restoration may take time. It’s okay if the goal for now is peaceful coexistence rather than immediate reconciliation.

• Gradual Steps: Break the process into manageable steps. Start by clarifying misunderstandings and addressing specific hurts before moving on to broader reconciliation efforts.

7. Provide a Path for Ongoing Accountability Scripture Focus: 1 Timothy 5:19-20 emphasizes the importance of addressing sin and maintaining accountability. Similarly, ensuring that both parties are held accountable for their growth and reconciliation efforts is crucial.

   Practice:

   • Set Accountability Measures: After the initial reconciliation efforts, check in regularly with both parties to ensure that healing continues. Encourage ongoing counseling, discipleship, or spiritual direction to help them stay on the path of restoration.

   • Revisit Boundaries as Needed: Be prepared to adjust boundaries if further conflict or emotional difficulties arise, maintaining flexibility to meet the changing needs of both individuals.