Healthy Conflict Resolution
Our Posture, Principles, and Practices
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OUR POSTURE: THE ATTITUDE AND MENTAL APPROACH TO CONFLICT
This is all about our heart and mind—how we approach conflict from within. It includes the emotional and spiritual stance we adopt when engaging with others in difficult situations.
Commitment to Personal Growth and Transformation: We engage the process of assessment fully, both individually and in community. This means being open to the Holy Spirit’s work in us, as He reveals areas for growth and change. In conflict, we should have a posture of humility, recognizing that we are not perfect and that we have blind spots. This openness to growth fosters an environment where reconciliation is possible.
Openness to Co-Discernment: Our posture involves openness to the input of a few trusted other This group of 3-6 elder-level leaders help guide and protect the process by offering wisdom and perspective that we may not have seen on our own.
Seeking Third-Party Help: When we are stuck in a conflict and unable to move forward, our posture should be humble and willing to seek help. This may mean consulting with a counselor, mediator, or a wise third party who can guide the reconciliation process.
Avoidance of Gossip and Escalation: We commit to avoiding a posture of defensiveness or retaliation, choosing instead to speak the truth in love. As Ephesians 4:29 reminds us, we must refrain from harmful speech (gossip) and instead use our words to build others up, following the biblical process outlined in Matthew 18.
WE COMMIT TO BEING SELF-AWARE
To varying degrees, we all struggle with the following at times:
Self-Centeredness: Prioritizing our own desires, expectations, or image over the well-being of others and right relationships.
Difficulty Generating Joy in Relationships: Struggling to experience or share joy in relationships, which can lead to isolation.
Difficulty Handling Criticism and the Rejection of Healthy Shame: Responding defensively when flaws are pointed out, instead of taking responsibility. Narcissism views all shame as wrong, but healthy shame guides growth by acknowledging harmful behavior, reminds us of our shared values as a community, and moves us toward authentic community without damaging self-worth. Toxic shame is destructive, attacking a person’s identity and leading to feelings of unworthiness and isolation.
Tying Identity to Performance: Presenting an inflated or idealized version of ourselves. Seeking validation through achievements or how others perceive us, rather than through authentic relationships and our identity in Christ.
Avoiding Vulnerability: Feeling threatened by admitting weaknesses or mistakes, and often trying to hide or avoid these areas instead of addressing them.
Lack of Empathy and “Othering” those who have hurt us: At times, being indifferent or not fully recognizing the feelings and needs of others, which can harm relationships. Forgiving and blessing our enemies is the demonstration and proof of the agape love that Jesus fully embodies and gives to us.
Blaming Others: Deflecting responsibility rather than owning our part in the situation.
Living in the Drama Triangle and DARVO: Surrendering or being unaware of the dynamics of the Drama Triangle, which includes the roles of Victim, Victimizer, and Rescuer, as well as the defense mechanism known as DARVO. DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, and typically follows this pattern:
The offender denies any wrongdoing (“I never said or did that.”).
They attack the wounded person, often questioning their character or intelligence (“You’re too sensitive. You’re out of line. You don’t understand the situation.”).
They then reverse the situation, portraying themselves as the victim and the wounded person as the victimizer (“I can’t believe you would do this to me!”).
This pattern shifts blame and distorts the narrative, making it important to recognize and address these behaviors appropriately.
WE COMMIT TO BEING GENTLE PROTECTORS CHARACTERIZED BY KEY TRAITS
Shalom: Gentle protectors maintain a non-anxious presence, especially in chaotic or challenging situations, providing stability and security.
Compassionate Care in the Presence of Weakness and Offense: We show empathy and care for the emotional and physical well-being of others, approaching weakness with gentleness and grace, always hopeful for transformation. We don’t despise or attack weakness.
Emotional Regulation: Practicing emotional regulation is essential in conflict situations. We must learn how to manage our emotions and not allow anger, frustration, or fear to dictate our responses. Emotional regulation helps us stay calm, think clearly, and respond thoughtfully. rather than react impulsively. This practice ensures that we approach conflict with a non-anxious presence, as gentle protectors amid chaos.
Resilient Boundaries: We offer protection without being controlling, enabling others to grow within safe and healthy boundaries.
Stay Relational: Gentle protectors remain relational during conflict, fostering relationships that restore joy and peace, and promoting healing rather than disconnection.
Grace-Fueled Forgiveness: Gentle protectors forgive readily, maintaining relational safety and maturity, allowing them to release resentment and stay present in relationships.
Seeking Relational Reconciliation: As ambassadors of reconciliation, we seek to move towards God and others, fostering understanding and connection.
OUR PRINCIPLES: THE CORE VALUES AND BIBLICAL FOUNDATIONS
These are our beliefs that guide our actions. In Christian conflict resolution, these principles are deeply rooted in the teachings of Jesus and the Word of God.
Truth in Love: A core principle in Christian conflict resolution is speaking truth in love. We are called to address conflict in a way that is truthful yet filled with grace and compassion. This principle aligns with the biblical instruction to follow the steps in Matthew 18 for resolving conflicts, which involves addressing the issue privately, bringing others if necessary, and, if unresolved, involving the larger church body.
Humility, Self-Reflection, and Self-Awareness: Jesus cautions that we will be judged by the same standard we apply to others. In Matthew 7:3-5, He urges us to address our own flaws—the metaphorical “beam in the eye”—before pointing out others’ “specks.” Recognizing our own failures fosters humility and reduces judgmental tendencies. This posture of grace aligns with 1 Corinthians 13, which calls us to honor others as God’s beloved creations.
Forgiveness and Grace: The principle of forgiveness is foundational in Christian conflict resolution. To maintain relational health, we must forgive others as Christ has forgiven us, even when it’s difficult. This aligns with the principle of grace-fueled forgiveness, where we release resentment and allow for healing, regardless of the circumstances.
Loving Discernment, Not Condemnation: Jesus’ command, “Judge not, lest ye be judged” (Matthew 7:1), is often misunderstood as a blanket prohibition against all judgment. However, the Greek word krino can mean both “to discern” and “to condemn.” Jesus invites us to wisely discern situations without being harsh or judgmental (Matthew 7:15-20). He regularly addressed harmful behaviors without condemning people, demonstrating the balance between truth and grace. This principle reminds us that our actions and attitudes should be guided by the Holy Spirit’s wisdom.
Practicing the Golden Rule: Jesus frames His teaching on judgment within the Golden Rule (Matthew 7:12): “Do to others what you would have them do to you.” This principle invites us to approach others with kindness, fairness, and love, choosing curiosity and empathy over condemnation. When we embody divine mercy, we become agents of healing rather than harm, building relationships marked by respect, dignity, and love.
We engage the process of assessment fully, both individually and in community.
KEY PASSAGES THAT CAN INFORM OUR ASSESSMENT PROCESS
“Remind them to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show every courtesy to everyone. For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, despicable, hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of any works of righteousness that we had done, but according to his mercy, through the water of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit. This Spirit he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become
heirs according to the hope of eternal life…But avoid stupid controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless. After a first and second admonition, have nothing more to do with anyone who causes divisions…” Titus 3:1-7, 9-10
Paul emphasizes the following:
Be ready for every good work, speak evil of no one, avoid quarreling, be gentle and show courtesy.
Address the divisiveness directly once and look for the fruit of repentance. “Repentance” is a transformative change of heart that invites us to perceive the situation through God’s eyes and then to act on that immediately through loving obedience.
If no clear fruit is demonstrated, a second warning will be given in a respectful, and clear manner, with an emphasis that this is the second warning.
If no clear fruit is demonstrated after the second warning, act with discernment and decisiveness. If the person continues to pursue divisive behavior after two warnings and two seasons of opportunity to change, then action must be taken to protect the safety and unity of the community.
The New Testament provides specific instructions about assessing, protecting, and correcting elders:
“Do not entertain an accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses. But those elders who are sinning you are to reprove before everyone, so that the others may take warning.” 1 Timothy 5:19-20
OUR PRACTICES: THE ACTIONS AND BEHAVIORS FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION
These are the actionable behaviors and routines that help us put our posture and principles into practice. These are the concrete steps that we take when resolving conflict.
Matthew 18 Process: The practice of addressing conflict directly with the individual involved is a fundamental action. When conflict arises, we are to follow the steps in Matthew 18:15-17: first addressing the person privately and respectfully, then involving others if needed, and finally bringing the issue before the church if unresolved.
This structured approach ensures that we confront issues in a biblical and constructive way.
In order to prioritize the wellbeing of a wronged person, in unsafe situations where trust has been broken, a mediator may be necessary for intentional support of complex trauma.Matthew 18:
Address the person privately and respectfully. Matthew 18:15.
If unresolved, take one or two others with you. Matthew 18:16.
If still unresolved, bring the issue before a larger expression of the church. Matthew 18:17.
If necessary, treat the person as a “tax collector.” Jesus treated tax collectors with kindness and invited them into the Kingdom. However, the relationship shifts, as the individual is no longer seen as an active disciple of Jesus.
Self-Reflection and Awareness: The practice of self-reflection involves taking responsibility for our own actions and attitudes in conflict. We correct our unhealthy tendencies to avoid the trap of blaming others or playing the victim. This practice aligns with the principle of humility and leads to healthier relationships.
Seeking Forgiveness and Offering Forgiveness: The practice of forgiveness is essential in resolving conflict. This means actively choosing to forgive those who have wronged us and seeking forgiveness when we have wronged others. It is a daily practice of grace and mercy that reflects the love of Christ.
Setting Boundaries with Grace: The practice of resilient boundaries involves maintaining relational health by setting clear, healthy boundaries without being controlling. This practice allows us to protect ourselves and others while fostering an environment where growth and transformation can occur.
CONCLUSION
Together, all of this promotes peace and reconciliation but also reflects the love and grace of Christ in a world that desperately needs it.